Have you ever wondered why your child seems to save their biggest meltdowns for home, while teachers rave about their behaviour at school? It’s a common experience for many parents and can be exhausting. But don’t worry—there’s a lot going on beneath the surface that explains why this happens, and understanding it can make a world of difference.
School Takes a Lot of Energy
School isn’t just about learning—it’s an environment full of social rules, expectations, and constant attention. All of this requires huge amounts of emotional and mental energy. By the time your child comes home, they’re likely running on empty.
According to Dr. Stuart Shanker, author of Self-Reg, “A child’s ability to self-regulate—stay calm, focused, and alert—can become depleted during the day. By the time they get home, they may not have the energy left to manage stress in healthy ways.”
This explains why children often fall apart at home. School takes so much effort, and when they’re home, they feel safe enough to let go of their emotions—sometimes in the form of meltdowns.
Did you know? Adults feel mentally exhausted after a long day of work, but children can experience this too. The difference is they often lack the words or understanding to explain it, so it comes out in their behaviour.
Home Is Where They Feel Safe
It’s important to remember that when your child melts down at home, it’s actually a sign of trust. Home is their safe space, where they know they’re loved no matter what. They don’t need to hold it together like they do at school.
Psychologist Dr. Laura Markham explains, "Children save their hardest emotions for the place they feel safest—it’s a compliment to parents when your child melts down at home.”
So, while it can be overwhelming to deal with those big emotions, try to reframe it: your child feels comfortable enough with you to show how they’re really feeling.
Positive Thought: You’re doing an amazing job creating a safe and loving environment where your child feels secure. It’s not easy, but your love is the reason they can let go and process their emotions at home.
They May Be Masking at School
If your child has additional needs, such as autism, ADHD, or anxiety, they might be “masking” at school. Masking is when children hide their true feelings or behaviours to fit in or avoid standing out. It takes a lot of mental energy, and by the end of the day, they might not be able to keep it up any longer.
For example, a child with autism might find the school environment overwhelming but work hard to appear calm. When they get home, all that built-up stress needs an outlet—and that’s when the meltdown happens.
Quote: “Masking is emotionally and physically exhausting. It’s like playing a role all day long, and it can leave children feeling drained and anxious.” – Autism Society
If you think your child is masking at school, it’s worth talking to their teacher to see how you can support them. Understanding this behaviour can help create strategies to reduce the stress your child feels throughout the day.
After-School Resets Can Help
One of the best ways to prevent after-school meltdowns is by creating a calming routine when your child gets home. Think of it as a “reset” time where they can relax, recharge, and let out any pent-up emotions. This might include quiet time with a favourite book, a snack, or even some physical activity to burn off any excess energy.
Tip: Some children need quiet time alone to unwind, while others might benefit from something active like jumping on the trampoline or playing outside. It’s all about finding what works best for your child.
Positive Thought: You’re in tune with your child’s needs. Creating a routine that works for them shows how much you care about their well-being.
Talking About Emotions
Helping your child understand and express their emotions can be a powerful tool in preventing meltdowns. For younger children, this might be as simple as labelling feelings—“I see you’re feeling frustrated.” For older children, you can encourage them to talk about their day or use a feelings chart to describe how they’re feeling.
Quote: “When children are able to name their emotions, they gain control over them. It’s the first step in managing big feelings in healthier ways.” – Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman
Regularly talking about feelings helps children understand what’s going on inside, making it easier for them to cope in stressful situations.
Tip: Ask questions like, “What was the hardest part of your day today?” or “Did anything make you feel happy, sad, or frustrated today?” This encourages open conversation and helps your child feel heard.
Let Go of the Guilt
It’s easy to feel guilty when your child behaves perfectly at school but melts down at home. You might wonder if you’re doing something wrong. The truth is, you’re not! Different environments bring out different behaviours, and your child is simply more comfortable expressing themselves fully at home.
Remember, you’re providing a safe, loving space for your child to release their emotions. That’s something to be proud of, not something to feel guilty about.
Positive Thought: You’re not alone in this. Many parents face the same challenges, and it’s a sign that your child feels safe and secure with you. You’re doing an incredible job!
Resources That Can Help
If you’re looking for more support or information, here are some great resources that might be helpful:
Books:
The Explosive Child by Ross Greene – A fantastic guide on understanding and managing meltdowns.
Raising Human Beings by Ross Greene – Focuses on raising emotionally healthy children and dealing with challenging behaviour.
The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel – Explains how children’s brains work and how you can help them process emotions.
Websites & Charities:
Young Minds – A UK-based charity providing advice and support for children’s mental health.
Autism Society – Offers resources and support for families of children with autism, including information on masking and school-related challenges.
The National Autistic Society – A wealth of information on autism, including managing school behaviour and meltdowns at home.
Companies Offering Support:
Place2Be – A mental health charity offering counselling and emotional support for children and their families.
Parenting NI – Provides advice and support for parents, particularly in managing challenging behaviour.
Final Thoughts
If your child melts down at home but behaves well at school, don’t worry—you’re not alone, and you’re certainly not doing anything wrong. Your home is their safe space, where they feel comfortable enough to express emotions they’ve been holding in all day.
By creating calming after-school routines, talking openly about emotions, and letting go of guilt, you can help your child manage their feelings in healthier ways. And remember—you’re doing an incredible job raising a child who feels safe enough to show you their true self.
What after-school routines have helped your child unwind? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences!
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